Sep 10 2007
BIN LADEN REBUTS CLAIM THAT HE IS “VIRTUALLY IMPOTENT”; CHALLENGES BUSH & CHENEY!
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“Mr. Cheney, on the other hand, was livid all day long.”
By Gary Corseri
9/10/07
Breaking News:
In an extraordinary turn of events, hard on the heels of his first video tape in three years, Osama bin Laden today released a new video in which he flatly denies the claim of Homeland Security Advisor Frances Fragos Townsend that he is “virtually impotent.”
Appearing in a gold tunic, and, for the first time, a non-traditional fedora, tilted cockily over his neatly trimmed eyebrows, bin Laden exuded confidence, but seemed a little tired.
“Last night,” he boasted, “I entered into blissful relations with seven beautiful virgins.” With a sly smile he added, “Allah be praised!”
While officials at the FBI and CIA continue to examine the tape for authenticity, Mr. bin Laden’s topical references to Ms. Townsend’s recent interview on Fox News with Chris Wallace reveals a new willingness on the part of Al Qaeda to engage the West on many fronts, and to respond with repeated, quick, deep thrusts in unfamiliar territory.
Most surprising was the personal quality of bin Laden’s taunts. While Mr. bin Laden has never refrained from critiquing the policies of Messrs Bush and Cheney, he has not previously stooped to their level of innuendo and insult. In a moment of high drama, he asked, “Where is Mr. Bush hiding his interns? If there are no interns, what is the matter with him? Surely there is room enough in the Oval Office to have a roll with one little intern!”
But Mr. bin Laden reserved his best artillery fire for Mr. Cheney. “Dick!” he exclaimed. “Why do they call you Dick?” He seemed to chortle. “Isn’t it ironic? In six years of war, you have not captured me. You made a little pin-prick against my forces at Tora Bora. Let me repeat: a little pin-prick! And you let me get away. Why, Dick? Weren’t you serious, weren’t you potent? You went after Saddam Hussein—the dictator you had previously kissed up to. You killed a million Iraqis because they wouldn’t kiss up to you! Dick, this is not the way of a man! This is the way of a dick!”
At this point in the video, Mr. bin Laden performed the most remarkable bit of political theater since Nikita Khruschev banged his shoe on the table at the U.N. Holding up a magazine that had been lying on his desk, he revealed that it was a recent issue of Playboy magazine. Mr. bin Laden stood up and examined the centerfold. To put the matter baldly and simply, there did appear to be a bit of hydraulic action underneath his tunic. Mr. bin Laden sat down with a wry smile and looked directly into the camera. “Mr. Bush, Mr. Cheney, I challenge you,” he said in clearly enunciated English. “Look at this babe! Show us what you got!”
“Despicable!” exclaimed blond vixen Dana Perino, the White House’s new press secretary. At a hastily called news conference on the White House lawn, Ms Perino denied speculation that Messrs Bush and Cheney were seriously considering rising to Mr. bin Laden’s challenge. “This shows us the character of the terrorists we’re up against,” declared Ms. Perino, stroking a strand of blond hair ever so carelessly aside and slightly moistening her ruby lips.
Nevertheless, something like a brushfire of bemusement has been sweeping the world since the release of this video. Thousands of French police joined tens of thousands of students in a spontaneous protest in which they locked arms and chanted, in charming French-accented English, “Show us what you got!” German Chancellor Angela Merkel remarked that it sounded like an “intriguing” challenge, and France’s Prime Minister, Nicolas Sarkozy, said, unless he was drunk, he was “up for it.”
At a private dinner for Iraq’s newest satrap, Mr. Bush confessed that he didn’t read newspapers and only watched the “sports news” on TV. When the challenge was explained to him, he giggled girlishly.
Mr. Cheney, on the other hand, was livid all day long.
Gary Corseri has had his work posted, published and performed at over 200 venues, including, DissidentVoice, CounterPunch, ThomasPaine’sCorner, CommonDreams, The New York Times, Village Voice and PBS-Atlanta. He can be contacted at
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