Gimme That Old Time Religion

By Ernest Stewart

Mental and moral rot behind the throne: Smugness is their coin;

intolerance their practice.

You have to hand it to Smirky the Wonder Chimp even while you rail against the traitor. He certainly gets an A for having balls I must admit. Not happy with his treason and sedition when he destroyed the Republic, he went right to work appeasing the right-wing wackos of his party by gutting the laws of this land. First up to go is the Separation of Church and State. The religious types that came here to practice their own brand of insanity did so because the state Church of England branded them heretics and used real branding irons to do so. They were quite aware of the problems of having a state religion. If you are a religious zealot it may sound like a good idea but what if it’s not your religion? Think this is a Christian nation do you? I beg to differ, just trot your own brand of lunacy out to Utah and lay it on the folks of the Church of LDS or LSD? I get those two confused. I think you’ll be in for a rude awaking if you go and proselytize on that bunch. You may understand how a Buddhist or Muslim or Jew feels in Alabama.

You may say Smirky is of your faith and therefore what harm could he do you? Well where to begin? Did you realize that the backers of the prayer breakfast on the day before the inauguration where all the Baptists and Catholics came together was sponsored by Smirky’s backer good ole Rev. Sun Myung Moon leader of the Moonies? Are you ready Mr. Baptist to marry whom the Reverend Moon chooses for you? Point is it doesn’t matter what becomes the official religion of the United Snakes it won’t be the same in a week's time. Want to see how well a religious state works? Take a little trip over to Pakistan or Iran... Feel the joy that the Islamic folk know in Israel. Oh they’re not Christian I hear you say, well fly on over to Ireland north or south and see how well a Christian government works. If you're Catholic try Northern Ireland; if Protestant fly on in to Dublin. Or like I mentioned before make your destination Salt Lake City.

What’s that you say, it’s only for social services? You haven’t heard what Smirky said to the Catholics at the Fuhrer Bunker the other day I’m guessing? Unaware that reporters were listening, Smirky told Catholic leaders that his new program to give tax money to religious groups will help them promote opposition to abortion. The remarks, unintentionally broadcast over a White House public address, contradicted his earlier lie that the program will not fund the religious activities of any group. Giving churches and religious charities public money raises troubling questions about the separation of religion and government that is at the heart of American republic. Recognizing this, Bushit promised that the new office would only fund social services, such as soup kitchens and drug treatment programs, when he announced its creation. But in his private conversation with Catholic leaders, Bushit said the program is intended to change the culture of America in ways that will make it easier for them to oppose abortion and save babies. That is proselytizing - trying to convert people to a particular religious belief - and clearly breaches the constitutional wall between church and state. Why do you think they call Smirky, "The Lyin’ King?"

Now if you have the brains to figure out that all gods or devils are nothing more than a myth, a way for the unscrupulous few to make an easy living off the sheep than this should make you see red. Can the Christians guess where it will be a cold day at, when the Atheists and all the religions left out of power pay a penny in federal taxes? Here it comes ladies and gentlemen, the revolution that we should have had 30 years ago. Coming to a street near you the "Third American Revolution!" And like the old hippie said, "My brothers and sisters it’s time for you to choose. You must choose if you are going to be part of the problem or if you are going to be part of the solution?" I’ll give you a hint, nobody likes to be around a Tory, as they have a tendency to attract fatal accidents!

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[PART TWO OF SAME COLUMN —3.1.01]

Last time we talked about Smirky the Chimps plans to establish an official religion. This time we’ll meet a lady who has been blessed with having to deal with an official religion by some other loonies with a government badge and their own ideas about religion. Our tale concerns a suburban Michigan lady who ran afoul of Jesus.

I’m sure you know the 1st Amendment to the Constitution i.e., "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion," etc, etc, etc. Yet every year some servant of the people takes it upon himself to spend the people's money on doing just that. In stubborn defiance of the law some dimwit decides to take it upon himself to induce others to share his own particular brand of insanity. Such is this case…

An atheist lady noticed a large nativity scene on her Township lawn and proceeded to ask why? I mean, how dare she ask why a federal law was being violated? Well because of course the powers that be were Christians and therefore, they’d do as they pleased. Oh and by the way, "We’ll get you for this and your little dog too," they said and they did!

The folks at the bi-weekly Nazi rag where this story first appeared did their best to fan the flames of hatred! There’s a lot of sales potential in hatred! They wrote front-page articles reporting ‘the facts’ in their typical Nazi fashion. Shame on her, how dare she? On their Opinion Page they would run the most inflammatory letters to the editor from some the most certifiable loonies in the area. Gun nuts who would talk about their love of America, Guns and Jesus and in threatening tones tell her to go back where she came from or else! One such rant I counted was 32 misspelled paragraphs long. It was balanced by a support letter three sentences long. You really can’t say they weren’t being fair. Not!

As she writes for a suburban weekly there has been much ado around her office with these good Christian folk slandering her as they cancel their subscriptions. Pity if she has to go to the Township Hall on business from time to time. The cabal at the township office suddenly treats her with sickly sweet smiles. Voices dripping honey with an undertone of torturous death. Not to mention the gossip they've spread throughout the area. They've even been making pamphlets about her in their religious zeal, always behind her back of course. And Koresh help her, if she has to go shopping around town.

I’m sure you all remember childhood and how mean children can be to other children. These adults never grew out of that childhood. I guess that’s the only way you can be, in order to believe in gods and devils and other such nonsense. And all this wonderful treatment because she asked them if they were going to put that nonsense on the people's lawn then add other similar sized displays of all the other religions and a sign for the atheists. Not to move it, just to include all others.

Their attitude of course is that this is a 'Christian' community and if you don’t like it, too bad. This is why we need to bring back the old English punishment for treason by politicians, that of being publicly 'Drawn and Quartered.' I’m sure you’ve noticed the lack of death penalty crimes for politicians that sell out the people, funny that, eh?

Well who would ride to this lady's rescue? Why it’s the good old ACLU or is it? When she called the ACLU and told them about it they said they put a law-student on it and would then take it under advisement. Why? Seems perfectly clear to me, very cut and dried. Cease and desist or include everybody. We are an all-inclusive society are we not? Apparently we are not in suburban Michigan!

Scary thing is we still have four more years of the ‘Smirky Show’ in store for us, unless the old Indian curse gets him! I’d say that the government goons will get their way and continue to impose their religious will on the people in their pursuit of establishing an official religion by the government. Methinks I see a simple solution that involves a gallon of gasoline and a match but it too is against the law and so I won’t mention it.

Next time around we’ll have a good laugh over the 13th Amendment, you know the Amendment that abolishes slavery?

(c) 2001 Ernest Stewart a.k.a. Uncle Ernie is an unabashed radical, author, stand-up comic, DJ, actor, political pundit and for the last 5 years managing editor and publisher of Issues & Alibis magazine. In his spare time he is an actor, writer and an associate producer for the new motion picture "W."

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